Tomorrow it will be a week since I went to see my GP clutching various trusted friend’s suggestions and a mountain of print-outs of online Bipolar tests and symptom lists that all seem to point to me being Bipolar.
My GP has referred me to a psychiatrist who I guess will ask me questions and tell me whether A) I’ve somehow made this all up or B) yes you have a Bipolar life sentence do not pass go, do not collect £200.
I know at this point I should be trying to emulate the strength and nobility of various public figure who have mental health problems and “be strong” but to be honest all I see ahead of me is actually nothing.
Even in my bouncy ‘manic’ moments I don’t see any future really, I concentrate on planning my 25th and the vague possibility of concerts or holidays (I am determined to go to Florence with Helen, it’s a special place to her and I’m hoping I’ll fall under it’s spell too).
I’ve come to realise that if I am fully diagnosed with this disorder (I guess I am only ‘half’ diagnosed at the moment) then so many possibilities are closed off to me. I won’t be able to have kids, no guy or girl is going to want a relationship with me, I’m supposed to avoid stress so any job progression is out of the window since I currently struggle to complete even the most basic tasks at work now.
I would like to point out at this moment that really I am blessed, I have a wonderful family, two beautiful rabbits and an amazing best friend in Helen who is so supportive of me and puts up with a hell of a lot! She’s always there for me and looks out for me, the sister I’ve always wanted. This of course makes me feel super guilty and a bit of a worthless worm since there are millions of people worse off than me!
But the realities of whatever is actually wrong with me is this – in an average day I will switch between being horrendously depressed with constant thoughts of death, self-harming to deal with stress, punish myself for my inadequacies and for ruining the lives of the people I love, massive panicky and anxious moments. A buzzy head and racing thoughts, being excited for no reason at all, ridiculous bouncyness, absolute exhaustion, a raging temper and irritability for no reason at all, tearfullness and then sometimes insomnia is also thrown into the mix.
A diagnosis of Bipolar would make a lot of sense – I have always reacted differently and felt different to people I know. I’m socially terrified, I struggle even to meet up with good friends from school. I’m constantly worrying about how my words and actions may hurt the people I love.
I don’t want to see this psychiatrist, the thought of expressing all this out loud makes me choke, it means it’s real and I also bloody hate having to explain myself. As nice as the lady I have 2 weekly telephone counselling with is, I hate it ‘cos I hate talking about how I feel. I’ve been misunderstood and accused of selfishness and being a drama queen in the past and I’m not letting that happen again!
But I do realise that until I see him/her then I can’t move foward and will be stuck in this limbo.